Friday, October 28, 2011

WriteUP: The Present Now Will Later Be Past...

So. Here I sit. In my favorite room in the house. Starring out the big picture window. Straining to see through the streaks in the glass and the fake cobwebs. And the real cobwebs. Eating chocolate chips by the handful. Trying for the life of me to figure out why handful only has one L and wondering if I even knew that before. This is what procrastination looks like. And doubt. You may have noticed that I have been rather absent for the last few months. It is change. I don't like it. You have heard me rant about it a million times before. My oldest child left for college last month. Her 19th birthday is in a couple of days. I really am happy for her and she seems to be having a good time. I want her to have this time in her life of self discovery and adventure. But I do not want MY life to change. See how those two things don't really work together? Stupid growing up.

I am not sure I am ready to be the parent of a grown child. My MOM is a parent of grown children. But she is old, so it is ok. She is only 18 years older than me though, so it might just be a perspective thing. My grandmother passed away almost a year ago. On my daughter's 18th birthday. Shortly before she passed she said something very funny (not unusual for her.) Her health was failing and I asked her how she was feeling and she said, "Fine, except all these OLD people keep visiting me and calling me MOM!" Perspective.  I still have 3 children at home, so I know my job of raising kids is not done. Nor do I expect that really it is ever done. It is just a different role now. I don't do different.

I have also given up a bit on writing. I have always had doubts about my own abilities. I know, we all do. Some people do not seem to let that fear hold them back however. I have a girlfriend who is having a children's book published. She knew the odds were against her without a name or an agent or any thing behind her but a manuscript and some illustrations. She told me, "I knew the chances were slim that it would even get read, but what did I have to lose?" Um, let's see. Dignity, self-esteem, pride, confidence, morale...
I am sure that every would-be writer dreams of being published, but most don't even have to go that far. Most people who write just want to be read. We just want to have someone think or feel something when they read what we have written. I am very sure many of you can relate. Somedays it just seems like a big waste of time. Why should anyone care about anything I have to say. Oh yeah. And my best friend is moving out of state. And...and...and. You know there are a lot of little things that make it easy to be in the dumps, but really...there are so many MORE things to be excited about...

So. Her I sit. I think I need to just get back into my life. It is changing. That should be ok.  I am going to make that ok. There is advantage in life in being willing to be present in the here and now. Honoring the past for what it was, facing forward to the future without rushing to it. I want to look forward to change with anticipation and excitement while relishing the stage I am in now. I mean If nothing ever changed I would not be here now. No Hunky Hubby. No Kiddos. No Life. So this is it. My last whiny post. Back to PerkyNatureGirl. You know, the girl who takes life by the horns and who makes lemonade out of lemons! Yeah, I don't know that NatureGirl either, but maybe we are turning a corner here...Reaching for the stars and going for broke! Woohooo....

Quote of the Day: "There is only one time that is important – NOW! It is the most important time because it is the only time that we have any power.”--Leo Tolstoy


  1. I'm glad you're back! But hey, you don't have to be perky all the time. There are lots of us struggling with change, and I for one am glad you share about your struggles, because then I don't feel so alone as my life changes, too (my eldest daughter is just a year younger than yours...)
    I'm with you, sister, perky or not so much. And as far as the writing goes... we'll never be famous literati, but God knows us, and that's all that matters!

  2. I'm the mom of TWO adults now, but luckily I still have a couple at home also. I've had similar thoughts swirling around in my head, but the words just won't come to express myself. I like your writing. I like your thinking. I like your feeling. Please continue. Perhaps it will help ME figure out how to deal with it too.

  3. Read Stephen Pressman's book "The War of Art". I'm on my second reading. You will recognize yourself.

    Remember, you still have to write the saga's of the Seven C's.

  4. Yes Auntie...I have been thinking about those!

  5. WHere did S end up? THe first 24 hours were the hardest for me, but I see Erica very frequently. It does feel strange to have crossed some invisible threshold. I'm not sure I know where I fit in. Not much of a change fan, myself. No choice but to see what else tomorrow brings, huh?! I'll take your writing anytime- perky or not!

  6. I think it is okay to whine once in a while.

    I understand the feelings when your kids start growing up and going off to college, but after a few years, you adjust. And now my girls who are gone call me every single day to chat and they are not only daughters but very good friends. It was a hard adjustment for me, but I have come to love the way things are now.

    It will get better. --And don't give up on writing. You are a beautiful writer.

  7. Okay, my son was on my computer and I didn't realize it. That last comment was from Joy4yourjrney.

  8. I am really stubborn when it comes to change myself, so I shouldn't be one to talk. But I remember my first year of college I would talk to my Dad all the time on the phone. I remember tons of other memories from my freshman year, but that one is a fond memory. Just because she doesn't live at home, doesn't mean you aren't a big part of her life. :)